


Bob's Inferno

by orphan_account



Category: Arthurian Mythology, Dante's Inferno - Fandom, Epic of Gilgamesh, Subgenius, The Ramayana
Genre: Crossover, Gen, Quest, Rescue
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-03-29
Updated: 2011-03-29
Packaged: 2017-10-17 09:10:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,661
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/175238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bob had learned long ago to be brief and straightforward when dealing with the lords of creation.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bob's Inferno

Bob awoke with a terrible fear upon his mind. "Where am I?" he thought to himself, and, "Why is the sky so pink?"

 **"You are in the land of time!"** echoed a very loud voice. **"I am the timekeeper, and you must obey!"**

Bob, though not always the quickest of souls, was quick to realize that when you materialize in a strange land where they sky is pink you do not complain. "O.K. by me," replied Bob to the mighty disembodied voice.

 **"You are blessed with perpetual stupid luck; that is why I have called you here! You are therefore qualified to lead a hero's quest, and that is what you shall do!"** commanded the great voice.

"O.K.," said Bob, who had learned long ago to be brief and straightforward when dealing with the lords of creation.

 **"You will go forth and gather three great heroes to save one foolish man. Together with their skill and wisdom and courage and your dumb luck, you shall save the flow of time. I will send you back to when and where you will need to be—do not fail me!"**

The great voice of the timekeeper reverberated as Bob tried to throw in one tiny question. "How will I know who to…" Bob's voice trailed off as he realized he was no longer lying in a pink-skied land but a hot and dry desert. It quickly became clear that anything more he had to say he would soon be saying to himself, as he was no doubt already at his first destination.

He stood up and looked about for something other than sky and was fairly quick to find it. Towering right in front of him was a giant of a man with a mighty ax—an ax that seemed to be swinging directly at him. Startled, and a bit fearful, he scurried back, into the legs and claws of something very large and probably very dangerous behind him.

He turned his head around in time to see the ax slice into the head of the fiercely clawed beast. With an awful screech, the beast swung at the man, but fell short. As the beast's body moved forward with its last attack, it fell to the ground, its head caved in.

"Mrrfff! Mrrff mrffll mrf," Bob said from beneath the monster's ample form.

"Ha ha ha," laughed the man, picking up the beast and tossing it aside. "I am Gilgamesh, King of Sumeria; from what crack in heaven did you spring?"

"I have been sent by a great power to gather three mighty heroes for a quest. Without doubt, you are one of the heroes I have been sent to find," said Bob, as he tried to wipe some of the dust and sand and monster goo off of his suit."

"I will follow you on your…" spoke Gilgamesh, and he suddenly found himself not in a desert but a jungle instead. Not having time to finish his heroic affirmation, Gilgamesh instead found himself suddenly caught in a hail of arrows and spears. Flying above them in the trees were demons, armed to the teeth.

"Oh shit!" said Bob quickly, as he tried to duck. Luckily for Bob, Gilgamesh was between him and the volley of projectiles. With a mighty swing of his ax, he brushed the demon missiles aside. Behind Gilgamesh and Bob, another figure rushed up, shorter and better dressed than either of them. In his arms was a beautiful bow, with a single large arrow notched and ready to let loose.

"Down, my friends," spoke the newcomer. And down Bob and Gilgamesh went, as the arrow came whizzing over their heads. As they turned their heads, they saw that this was no ordinary arrow. As it came near the half-a-dozen demons that fluttered up in the trees, it split into an equal number of smaller arrows that mystically seemed to aim themselves at the monsters. One after another the demons were hit and fell to the ground, bursting into demonic flames.

"I am Rama, and I am at your service, my strangely-dressed friends. You have helped me defeat the cruel flying demons of Khara; I thank you," said Rama, in a very peaceful tone.

Bob stepped forward and asked, "How did your one poorly-aimed arrow slay so many monsters?"

"The trick," answered Rama, "is to build multiple re-entry demon-hunting arrows. But only the very wise and the very holy can do this. As it so happens, though, I am both," Rama said humbly.

"Ah… Well, you must be the hero we seek to fulfill our quest. Will you come with us and rescue a man?" Bob then quickly flinched, preparing to be somewhere else.

"Ye…" Rama began to say, as the three of them found themselves in a dew-covered meadow.

"By the Lord and the Blessed Virgin Mary, be you spirits from heaven or hell?" said a young man covered from head to toe in shiny metal armor.

Bob realized that he was the only one of the group that was likely to have any idea what the knight was talking about, so he piped in. "We are messengers from the heavens" (sort of true, he thought), "who seek a great hero to help us on our quest."

"I am Sir Gawain, and I seek the holy Grail for my king, Arthur. I also kill Frenchmen," solemnly quoted Sir Gawain, as if he had memorized it by rote. Bob looked at the others, and they all seemed to realize that this was going to be a hard sell.

Not at all above lying a bit, Bob continued: "Why uh. We too seek Frenchmen to kill and, uh, grails to put holly in."

"I'm not sure I believe you, strangely-dressed one," Sir Gawain countered.

Seeing that things were not going well, Gilgamesh spoke up. "I am a King of a foreign land, and I give you my word that we will happily kill Frenchmen," he said, though he had no idea what a Frenchman was.

"I must believe you and your word, Majesty, so I agree to…" Sir Gawain's mouth hung open, unable to finish his sentence as he looked ahead and no longer saw trees but burning rocks.

Everyone's mouths were pretty much hanging open stupidly as the small band looked about and saw the horror that was the eighth circle of Hell. In front of them was a scene of true suffering. In the great stone floor were many holes from which the lover halves of bodies stuck out. The poor sinners' legs kicked back and forth as fire leapt upon their feet. Of the many screams, from one of the holes came the loudest. Unlike the other holes, which had completely naked bodies in them, this one appeared to be wearing a tunic, which had nonetheless fallen down.

"Come. Come. You must help the poor soul out of the terrible conundrum he has made for himself," said a robed man, hurrying up to the party.

"Who are you, and where are we?" asked Bob, hoping that the answer would not include the word "hell" in it anywhere.

"I am Virgil, and this is hell, and you must help he whom I guide. My quite eager and inquisitive companion has had the misfortune to get himself, well, stuck in one of these holes meant for sinners. And I am afraid he cannot get himself out," said Virgil hurriedly.

"What was he looking in there for anyway?" asked Bob.

"He wanted to count exactly how many Simonists there were down in the holy. I am afraid he is a bit of a fanatic for numbers," answered Virgil, worry obvious on his face.

It did not take Bob, nor the rest of the party, any time to realize that this was undoubtably the poor lout that they had been sent to save. The first to step forward to save him was Sir Gawain, who realized that this was an excellent opportunity to put in a good word with God (even if there were no Frenchmen to kill.)

"Friend Dante, I am a knight of the Round Table, and am pledged to God to do good." Gawain spoke down into the hole, careful not to look at Dante's exposed parts. "Pray with me, and we shall find the spiritual energy to free you." And so they prayed, and after ten minutes, Dante was still trapped, and Sir Gawain was getting impatient and very hot in his full armor.

"Please, allow me to try to save this poor soul from his pain," Rama was able to say in a calm and level tone, as he was dressed for the climate. Gawain stood aside and let Rama come forward and try to free him. Taking a number of odd instruments and tools from his satchel, he prepared a pulley of sorts that he used to try to pull Dante from his trap. He tried, but it was without success. Dante would not move.

Bob, utterly lacking in special talents, stepped forward and tried tickling Dante to encouraging him to move. He quickly stopped when he realized that Dante was moving further down and not up. Then, almost in unison, they all turned to Gilgamesh, who had been watching and thinking.

"Will you try to pull him out?" asked Bob.

"No, I would most likely tear him in two. The answer is much more subtle than that," Gilgamesh answered, and then stepped forward, standing over the hole. He dipped his head near to the hole and whispered something down to Dante. Moments later, with a great scream, Dante catapulted his body out of the hole and landed dazed by Virgil's side.

The others cheered and quickly came up to Gilgamesh to ask him what he had said to make Dante come out of the hole.

"I merely told him how attractive his behind was."

***

And so ended the adventure of Bob in Hell.


End file.
